If you ask the average American where they were on September 11, 2001 you will get a somber remembrance, a vivid memory that is forever seared in their mind. Now I am not saying that my first kiss was quite so catastrophic, but I will say, it is telling how vividly it is seared into my memory… Just saying. I’ll let you be the judge.

Now, first kisses generally don’t have a reputation for being smooth. Typically first kiss stories are funny, goofy, awkward stories of how raging teenage hormones led one awkward boy to awkwardly bump faces with another awkward teenage girl.

My story started much later than those awkward teen years though, only making the awkward face bumping so much more entertaining…

I don’t think I quite ever imagined that I would be having my first kiss at the very non-puberty age of 26. But then again, I think at 25 I was really, truly hitting puberty for the first time anyway….

Having my first kiss at 26 was honestly somewhat my own fault. I still remember fondly walking arm in arm through the woods with this really cute boy when I was 13. It was almost two in the morning and we had been camping with our families and were walking with a group of teenagers to this clearing to go stargazing. I still remember my heart racing as he put his arm around me and whispered something in my ear- all in the name of trying to stay warm of course. That could have been THE moment.

At that time, I was an avid reader and was enthralled by this Christian teenager series about a girl who saved her first kiss for her wedding day. I had just decided I wanted to be just like the girl in the book. While I was imitating the fictional tale, I was also very in the middle of a personal struggle. Knowing where I was in that battle, choosing to “save my first kiss” was one of the biggest saving graces that kept me just short of making some life-altering mistakes a few years later.

Highschool years passed. First boyfriend came and went. College came around. It wasn’t until halfway through college when I gave up the notion to imitate the girl in the books. Fast forward then to my very first serious relationship.

I had learned that sharing the fact that I had never kissed anyone is certainly NOT first date material. In fact, as much as was possible, I tried to avoid telling guys I was dating that little fact at all. Truthfully, most of the guys I went out with, I realized pretty quickly it wasn’t meant to be. I mean, when you go out on a date with an alcoholic, a guy who compares your morning coffee to his need for a morning buzz to “calm the shakes”…… it doesn’t take long to realize it’s not “written in the stars” for you two.

So having kept that little tidbit of information to myself for so long, it is unsurprising that I hadn’t told the guy I had been seeing long distance for a couple of months my not so dirty little secret. After what was an otherwise terrible visit, he drove me three hours to the airport and we had the most normal and sweet moments of the entire trip. He told me he thought I was beautiful and shared the things about me that he most admired.

Later he confessed that the reason for the sweetness in the car was because he was quite sure I was going to break up with him… He wasn’t wrong…

As we drove up to the airport I remember thinking “Well thank God this is over” (which in case you are keeping track is never a good sign for a relationship). He helped me get my bags out of the car and gave me a hug goodbye. Mind you, the only contact I had had with him during the entire trip was a hug when he picked me up and then again when he dropped me off…. I mean c’mon dude what’s a girl gotta do to get you to hold her hand or SOMETHING!

I was almost to security when I get a call from him that I forgot stuff in the car. Now I knew that he was quite the romantic (barf) so I half-figured it was a ruse. But I figured it was to give me another hug. I get out to the curb and in a grand romantic gesture he threw the car in park, walked around the car, grabbed me by the hand and kissed me sweetly before saying goodbye.

Nope.

He pulled up, didn’t even put the car in park, rolled down the passenger side window a tiny bit to tell me I left my phone charger in the car and that I needed to open the door to grab it. So I open the door, sit halfway in the car, a box of fried chicken balanced precariously in my lap as I try to grab the phone charger while trying to not get arrested by TSA for leaving my bag unattended. While I am balancing all of this he grabs my chin, says “I couldn’t let you leave without this” and kisses me.

Face smashed into mine, my eyes wide open, sunglasses half falling off my face, fried chicken in hand, and dude using way too much tongue for any first kiss- much less my very first kiss. Being caught off guard and also just thinking about the absurdity of my appearance at that moment I did the unthinkable in between kisses.

I started laughing

I honestly do feel bad for the guy. Later he was kicking himself for pretty much every part of the kiss. And if it hadn’t had been such a newbie myself maybe I would have made it easier on him. And also maybe I wouldn’t have laughed. Multiple times….

My next kiss was about as pleasant a memory. After another uncomfortable date with a “winner” I met online (story to come), I let the guy walk me to my car. I honestly shouldn’t have been surprised at the rate he was popping breath mints and making comments about avoiding onions and garlic all night… But it was SUCH A BAD DATE that I didn’t honestly think he was going to even text me after much less sneak attack kiss me. He walked me to my car and I put out my hand to shake his and say thanks. Instead, he was all of a sudden 2 inches away from my face, missing tooth and all, planting one on me. Don’t know that I will ever live that moment down with my friends…

I’ve got to say kudos to the guy for taking a shot. I know that can be tough to do and he certainly had the boldness going for him in that instance. Bravo, sir.

Moral of the story, first kisses suck when you don’t really like someone. Or when they are missing a tooth.

Tell me, is it too dramatic if I ask my next date for his dental records before I agree to go out??