Calm down.

Before you go and tattle on my un-reverend like conduct maybe I should take some time to explain. Don’t worry it’s not nearly as saucy as it sounds. Although… It might be far more interesting.

Every now and then I meet a guy online that looks like he has real potential. Now if you have done online dating at all then you probably know what i’m talking about.
– Has a real job, not an “entrepreneur” (which is actually online code for drug dealer in case you were wondering)
– Is BOTH attractive AND interesting.
– Claims to be tall ( I say claims because I have been on multiple dates where the guy claimed to be 6’2″+ and was actually shorter than me…
– Shares similar values…. at least on paper.

Now Jake checked all the boxes. He was tall (6’3″ supposedly) dark and handsome, successful doctor, funny, interesting travel stories and shared some of the same values as I did, at least at a surface level.

So I scheduled a date with the handsome doctor. Funny thing is, I was half-expecting him to cancel, not follow through, or stand me up. I promise I’m not a super pessimist.

Its just that I’ve been stood up over 2 dozen times.

I told someone that recently on a date and he asked me “Oh so do you think they showed up, saw you, and went home?”…… Um no… I wasn’t thinking that. But thanks for creating a whole new fear dimension to my dates….

I drove myself downtown to meet up with the guy at one of my favorite restaurants (I’ve gotten in the habit of picking my favorite places for dates, because if they don’t show or the date sucks, at least I got some of my favorite food, coffee, etc out of it). I had just pulled up outside the restauraunt (albeit early) when I got a sweet text message asking me for an address so he could come pick me up. Now, I say sweet but believe me, contrary to some of my other questionable decisions on this particular date, I don’t really want first blind dates to know where I live. I’m not a total crazy person.

So I went in and got a table and waited for Jake (I don’t actually remember what his name was but that seemed like a safe choice). I saw him park out of the corner of my eye and got a little excited because he was even better looking in person than in his pictures. He saw me, gave a big smile and a hug and so began the normal portion of the date.

I hate small talk. I mean, I am fully aware that it is a necessary part of normal, human, adult interactions. But I hate it nonetheless. Most first date conversation falls under that mind-numbing category of small talk so I am usually not anticipating any scintillating conversation intially.

I did actually have a fun time talking to Jake during the date- asking about family, his big move to california, his job, all while sharing some of my own family stories, my life in Japan and Texas before California, and all the things I loved about my job.

Now, I am a very independent kinda gal. Always have been, always will be. Even as I spell out the word independent I start finishing the chant “do you know what that means? She got her own house, she got her own car, two jobs, work hard, she a bad…” Well you get the gist. I like work and always have. But I’ve never been a materialistic person and wealth and status actually tend to be more of a turn-off than a turn-on, mostly because having grown up with money being tight, I have a hard time thinking you’ll understand the struggle if you have always lived comfortably. Discrimination? Maybe, but whadya gonna do about it.

So when Jake begins a not-so-humble-brag about his accomplishments as a doctor in the military, his new prestigious position as a team physician for a major NFL team, bla bla bla bla…. I felt the smile on my face become more and more plastic. Consequently, as he is telling me all of his impressiveness, I’m singing Shania Twain on the inside.

Not only was Jake-o very self-important but I was cringing, not even on the inside, when he started talking about how his hippy-dippy sister and how she went to a midwife and how she likes essential oils and health stuff it got real awkward. Now I am not all for essential oils but alternatives to western medicine I get that. But also just the total derision he had as he described his sisters choices… I remember thinking… dang, I wonder what things I do/don’t do that will get me on the wrong end of that derision. Very narcisstic. Unbelievably narcissistic. Although from what I hear, that tends to be pretty common in doctors (sorry if you are a doc and not!).

Beyond reflecting on myself as the recipient of derision, I also paused to think how interactions with my siblings would go with dude. I mean my brother went for a year eating only cacao for “health benefits” and my siblings and mom all tend to err on the side of natural medicines rather than conventional medicine. Now maybe me thinking this on a first date is my equivalent of picturing myself walking down the aisle on a first date and maybe I took it too far. But it wasn’t hard to imagine the catastrophes that might ensue if I brought dude home one day….

Another red flag that I ignored on the date was the fact that he told me that doctors (himself included) are almost always drunk and/or high when they are on shift to deal with the pressures of the job. Seriously…. I think that next time I need to go to the ER because i’m losing a lot of blood or a limb I might reconsider…..

Even for all of that, up to this point in the date I still was enjoying myself and the conversation.

Until the fateful moment

Dude looked at his phone and paused the conversation, and turns to me and says, “so I just want to warn you that my friend might show up soon. Oh and he’s really racist. He hates white people.”

But for real. How are you supposed to respond in that moment? I think I laughed and said ok thanks for the warning, assuming it wouldn’t happen. He mentioned that he hated getting to know me over such a formal setting and wanted to know if I wanted to go bowling or play some arcade games and just hang out. Which I was so down for. First dates can feel like formal job interviews and I feel like you definitely can get to know someone better by hanging out more casually.

But five minutes later another guy walks in, up to our table of two, pulls up a chair, looks at my date and completely ignoring me begins to talk to him. “N****, why you dressed like that! Why you looking like that with your buttoned up shirt? Why you lookin like you on a date?” (insert about 5 expletives and you have an accurate picture of what was actually said).

What followed was one of the most confusing and awkward five minutes of my life. When dude finally introduced me to his friend I had several minutes of expletives and racial slurs, comments about slavery and the girls in the back of the restaurant taking selfies and pictures of their food to sit through. Then the friend looked at Jake and says “D*** dude! Your girl doesn’t even love you like that, she let you sit here with food on your lip this whole time! Clean his face woman!”

First of all. ITS A FIRST DATE. OF COURSE I DON’T LOVE HIM.

Second of all. There are two kinds of people. Those that tell strangers that they have food in their teeth. And those who feel like thats rude. And I happen to fall in the second category.

Third of all. He didn’t have food on his lip. It was ash. His lip was ashy and was flaking off. Please. SOMEONE. Tell me how I win in pointing that out ON A FIRST DATE.

Jake, leaning into the already awkward moment, grabs my hand and puts his napkin in my hand and asks for me to wipe this “food” off his lip. Mind you, i’ve known dude for a whole 30-45 min at this point. While I’m fumbling through this moment, Jake is making super weird eye-contact with his friend and making comments about me proving my love for him.

Even as I write this out I feel myself cringing. So much.

At some point in the interaction the check was paid and so we stood up and he shakes his buddy’s hand telling him that we are getting ready to go play some games.

And that concluded the normal-ish part of my three hour date.

Check back in a few days to hear the rest of the story of one of my most bizarre dates and the terrible choices I made.