The One with The Threesome- Part 2

Its taking me a long time to write part 2. Some of that is laziness, some of it is life getting away with me, but a big part of the reason I haven’t posted Part 2 until now is because I really didn’t know how best to approach it.

Now if you’ve followed my life for a minute, you probably realize that tact, grace, and perfection are not typically words I’d use to describe myself and certainly not my dating life so it is not a fear of sharing my own awkwardness in a dating situation.

But because of the nature of my story and the age or life experience of some of my followers on Instagram/Facebook I feel compelled to put in a little disclosure. You know when you see those ridiculous stunt videos with the caption really small “don’t try this at home”. Well, I want to put this in bold for those reading.

KIDS, DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME

Not even just kids. Just don’t make some of the same mistakes that I made. And to my dad and grandparents, you should just go ahead and read something else. This story will be a little hard on your hearts.

Now that I’ve gone and made it seem like the most dramatic thing possible… Nothing crazy or bad happened. I didn’t make any life-altering decisions. But having known personally several people in similar situations that things didn’t go quite so well, I feel the need to emphasize that I don’t think some of my decisions were the wisest or most admirable ones that I’ve made, and I definitely wouldn’t advocate for someone to follow in my footsteps.

Now when I left off on telling the story last time, we had just finished dinner when his very racist friend showed up and crashed the date making for a very awkward end to dinner. However, Jake had brought up the idea of going to play games and hang out in a more casual environment once dinner was over. Sounded good to me as dating and getting to know someone across a table feels stiff and formal to me anyways.

So after 15 minutes or so of listening to awkward racist tirades about the basic white girls in the back taking food selfies, Jake shakes his buddy’s hand and tells him we are gonna head off to go play some games. He offered to drive me and so I climbed in the Escalade (does that tell you anything??) and had Jake ask me what kind of music I like to listen to. I told him I listen to a lot of R&B, gospel, and jazz with a little of everything else thrown in there. To which he responds

“Oh thank God, I was worried you were gonna be one of those church girls who only listens to worship music”

before turning on some classic R&B tunes and pealing down the street. As we are driving, he apologizes for the awkwardness of his friend and how that probably threw me off. Tells me to relax and just be myself.

Honestly started chuckling at that point. Because #1 dude, you should know better than to ever tell a girl to relax or calm down (its just asking for trouble) and #2 I just found it super entertaining that you are not only being my date but apparently also my dating coach? But I digress…

One thing that Jake neglected to tell me until we were in the car and halfway there is that his plan was to play games at his hotel. Technically it was at a bar/game area that was a part of the hotel but he left that detail out conveniently. If I had known I might have had time to think through things and make some different more thought out decisions instead of scrambling to figure out what to do in the moment.

So we get to the hotel where he tosses his keys to the valet quite literally and tells me he needs to go drop some stuff off in his room real fast. Trying to be “cool” and “relaxed” I go along with him up the elevator fully intending to just wait by the elevators or find a chair in the hallway to sit on. Get up stairs and he realizes his key doesn’t work and turns and tells me to wait right there and he runs downstairs to get his key working. I take this time to strategically walk down to the end of the hall and sit down looking out through the windows.

A few minutes later I hear a couple voices in the hallway and Jake AND HIS FRIEND (who he not once during the next three hours tells to go home and butt out of our date) have returned and he calls out to me “don’t be a weirdo, just come in here”. In the brief walk over I begin to realize this is not one of my most intelligent decisions and that walking into a hotel room with two guys I have known less than an hour is a potential recipe for disaster. I am madly trying to text my friend to tell her where I was and that if she didn’t hear from me shortly where to start looking. All I had was a hotel name to go off of, didn’t even have a room number so if something had gone wrong it would have been not much to go off of.

Like I said… Don’t follow in my footsteps on this one…

Slight detour, but one weird thing about Jake and my date with him was the way that he and his buddy acted and talked about me like I was his long time girlfriend. They were both WAY too familiar. I mean, I recognize I have commitment issues so I tend to think people are getting familiar too fast in general…. But when you are talking about what we are going to do for the holidays and whose family we will be with when its freaking January I feel like I am not alone in thinking its a little too familiar. Jake’s friend also made so many comments that made it sound like he assumed we had been dating a long time (something that made alot more sense later). Jake was planning out where we were going to go on vacation, meanwhile I am not even sold on finishing the date at this point so….

So I step into the room and awkwardly look around to find a place to sit or at least prop myself out of the way. Jake’s friend looks at me and then at the chair before quickly snagging the chair for himself and telling me I can sit on the bed. He quickly jumps out of the chair so he can verify that we didn’t “do anything on the chair??”

No sir…. I didn’t do anything on the chair with the guy I met AN HOUR AGO….

Geez. I wish I could say the wisecracks on that topic ended there. Even though Jake typically spoke up and said something along the lines that I “wasn’t that kind of girl”, or I was a “Christian girl”, or something…. He also joined in on a lot of the humor especially when his friend kept outing him and saying “dude what the f*** are you talking about, you’re not a Christian!” Jake tried to defend himself and say that he was several times but it got to be a very disingenuous interchange.

Jake put the stuff away that he had brought up to his room meanwhile his friend grabbed a bottle of wine and began to chug it so to save himself money at the bar.

And yes, I did say CHUG A BOTTLE OF WINE…

We made our way down to the level of the hotel where there was the restaurant/bar/arcade/karaoke area. The elevator ride conversation alone could be its own blog post but for the sake of little ears I won’t go into it. Suffice it to say that when we approached the game area and found out that it transforms into a bar/nightclub at night I was already uncomfortable enough to be searching for excuses to leave. Then I realized as they are carding us to go in…

I don’t have any ID…

I know, I know. I just went into a hotel room with two guys I didn’t even know and then never even had any ID on me. In that moment, I remember thinking to myself:
#1 If they had murdered me I WOULD HAVE HAD NO ID ON ME FOR THE COPS TO IDENTIFY MY BODY
#2 Sweet, this is my out.

But when I say “Awww man… Looks like I left my ID in my car so I’m gonna go ahead and head out”, Jake takes that as a challenge to sneak me in which made us super popular with the bouncer. When that plan didn’t work then instead of letting me go, all three of us take an Uber ride back to my car to get my ID.

The ribald humor and racist jabs at me continued throughout the uber ride but things took an interesting turn when Jake’s racist friend found out that I grew up in Japan. His friend it turns out, was a military kid who had grown up in Japan himself. Racist jokes disappeared and were replaced with inside jokes about Japanese culture. Crude humor turned into requests for me to play wing-woman for random girls he saw and thought were hot. Certainly not a turn of events I anticipated but it definitely enjoyed the night much more after that.

As it turned out the arcade/bar place also had bowling lanes which is what we ended up opting in to do. While Jake’s buddy went to go get drinks for the two of them, I took a quick second to let my friend know I hadn’t been murdered.

Now as most of you would also assume, bowling alleys with a racist third wheel are one of the most coveted romantic atmospheres. But just in case that wasn’t romantic enough, Jake began singing to me- Chris Brown, Trey Songz, Lionel Richie, Marvin Gaye…..

Not gonna lie… If it hadn’t been for the rest of the date that would have probably been a swoon moment because he did have a great voice.

But ultimately, the romance of my threesome date had to come to an end. Jake’s friend and I totally kicked his butt at bowling and it became more of me buddying up with his friend to give him a hard time. Which was super romantic of course. After the game was over the discussion began over what to do next and Jake mentioned that he needed to go back up and change so for the second stupid time that night

I went back up to the hotel room

Sitting in the hotel room talking to Jake’s friend I’m sure he had a moment later to reflect on how differently he thought that night was going to go. Instead of some threesome in a hotel room, I started sharing my testimony and the gospel message with Jake’s friend. My guess is that that is not what either of them expected for their night.

Their decision to move the party to the club was the out I was looking for. I told them I was gonna head home and called myself an Uber (which interestingly enough offended my date that I didn’t let him call me an Uber). They walked me to the curb to wait for my ride and started playing fake basketball on the sidewalk LOL. I got in the car and got a wave goodbye.

Jake texted me that later that night telling me what a great date it was (wait, what?) and how he couldn’t wait to go out again as soon as he got back from his trip (ummmmmmm…). I was halfway considering it for a couple days trying to tell myself that maybe it was just a REALLY bad first impression. Until….

His girlfriend commented on his Instagram pic.

It took me about five minutes to figure out that his trip to Hawaii when he had been calling me at night after hanging out with his friends had actually been a trip he took with his girlfriend of 9 months. Oh and the extra kicker? His trip that he wanted to go out when he returned?

Was to see his secret baby mama and his kid

So yah… Second date was a no go. And also I didn’t get raped or murdered. I say that flippantly but at the time this happened my sister had been roofied for the third time so I am not taking my safety flippantly trust me. When I told my friend Adam the story I have never seen him more want to punch me for being stupid than he did in that moment. Not great decisions I know. Crazy night. Crazy story. Believe it or not I ended up actually enjoying the night and having alot of fun around the awkward and terrible moments. Wouldn’t do it again but hey lessons learned. Moral of the story though to the girls out there? Don’t be afraid to end a date. There’s a difference between giving someone a chance and being stupid. Don’t be stupid

The End

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s